Wednesday, 9 August 2017

An Excuse To Inflict

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This is an elf



These are dwarfs



These and these make halflings




This is a gnome, its name is Germanal Penance





ANYWAY REFER TO THIS
http://jrients.blogspot.com/2017/08/how-to-be-half-orc.html
what I'm taking from this is "using d100 advancement table" and "your stats are below/above this" but putting my own spin on it. I'm not a fan of stat prerequisites but just going with it for the sake of exploring this idea.


Rolling 3d6 in order for your character as usual.
Then:
if your constitution is lower than 12 and the total modifier on the rest of your stats isn't above +1 you can play an elf. Bump dexterity and intelligence to 13 (if lower) or just one of them to 16.

if your dexterity is lower than 12 and the total modifier on the rest of your stats isn't above +1 you can play a dwarf. Bump strength and constitution to 13 (if lower) or just one of them to 16.

if your strength is lower than 12 and the total modifier on the rest of your stats isn't above +1 you can play a halfling. Bump dexterity and charisma to 13 (if lower) or just one of them to 16.

if your charisma is lower than 12 and the total modifier on the rest of your stats isn't above +1 you can play a gnome. Bump wisdom and Intelligence to 13 (if lower) or just one of them to 16.


Each level (including level 1*) instead of rolling twice on your class advancement table you roll once on the table and once on your kind (elf, dwarf, halfling or gnome)



KIND TABLES**:

Elf:
1: Taste the air around where a spell is cast. You can recognise a caster whose spells/sweat/hair you've tasted before and the intent in which the spell is cast. If you roll this again you can tell their level. If you roll it (yet) again you learn some semi-important fact about them

2: Double jumping distance and ignore the first 10 points of fall damage. Rolling again means fall damage reduction is +5 and jumping distance is increased by the same amount (i.e not doubled, so if it was 5 feet, then 10 feet, it's now 15 feet)

3. If you roll a 20 when attacking barehanded you pluck out an eye of your opponent . Rolling again means you do it on a 19 or 20.

4. You can turn your head 360. No-one can break your neck. Rolling again you get advantage on any rolls to notice an ambush

5.You can eat vermin without ill effects.

6.Anyone hearing you sing for atleast a minute must save  (will or spell )or you become undetectable to them. Rolling again means they get a -1 penalty on the save.

7.Choose an animal. You speak its language but they use stories about you to scare their children

8. Over a hour with unprocessed components , you can make one "elf shot" per level. An elf shot can be any a sling stone, crossbow quarrel or bow arrow, or a small thrown weapon. In addition to any damage it does it will do one of the following: Attack+ Damage + effect unnoticed by target, Nausea, Light Sleep, Dizziness, Blindness, Fear. If you roll this again choose an additional effect

9.You can swallow or spit out any enchanted object as a free action. You can't swallow more than half your weight but are protected from up to 5 points of damage from any hazardous properties the object may have. Rolling again adds another 5 points of hazard resistance.

10.You are not surprised if you can guess what is surprising you, before the g.m tells you. You get an additional guess if you roll this again.


Dwarf:
1.Any weapon you use that is made from bone or stone does an additional d6 damage. If you roll again it does another d6.

2.You count as one size category larger than you are for the purposes of making you do anything you don't want to do. Increase by one category if you roll again.

3.You can see in the dark if underground. If you roll this again you can see anyone (as if fully lit)  who is touching stone if you are as well.

4.Poison only affects you if you don't know what it is.

5.You can extinguish or suppress all light sources with a bellow or cackle. Range is 20 feet, double if you rolled it again. Suppressed lights that are self generating are suppressed for 5 rounds per your level.

6. You can dig or work stone at twice the speed of someone your strength OR completely silently. If roll this again it counts as if there was an additional 1 you digging.

7.Immune to fear from anything whose flesh or matter you have consumed.

8.2 points of damage resistance to any crafted weapons not crafted by an expert. Rolling again increases d.r by another 2.

9.Choose a type of stone to know the language of .

10. Choose a type of weather to not believe in. You suffer no effects from that weather. Rolling again means you get to choose another weather.

Halfling:
note if you choose a sin to personify with roll result , you must use that sin for all other rolls on this table.
1. Choose a sin (see picture) , if someone is the act of that sin you can cast a Suggestion on them as the spell. Rolling this again means they get -1 to their save.

2. Choose a sin (see picture) , when you a taking an action to personally act on it , increase one chosen (when rolled) stat by 1. If you roll this again increase the stat by 2. If you roll it a third time choose another stat to increase by 1 as well.

3. If someone believes 2 of your lies a 3rd spoken by you appears as plausible as those 2. They are not automatically convinced , they just scrutinize it as much as they did the other 2 . For example if you told someone your name (falsely) , and that you were friends with the inn-keeper (falsely), then telling them that you were the owner of the nearby castle wouldn't seem anymore absurd. If you roll this again, and additional lie is made plausible.

4. You can conceal the animal most like your chosen sin (see picture) on your person, undetectably. Rolling again means an additional animal can be hidden. Note this ability gives no special ability to charm , subdue or pacify the animal.

5. Someone who has committed your chosen sin due to your advice will fail the next save you force them to roll. If you roll this again an additional save is failed.

6. Once a day you can have the effects of a haste spell when committing your chosen sin unseen. If you roll this again you get an additionally daily use

7. You count as one size category smaller than you are for purposes of hiding or sneaking. If you roll this again you are an addition category smaller.

8.If someone accepts your  hospitality they cannot initiate violence on you until all the courses of the meals have been finished. Eating unreasonably slowly also breaks the effect, but also the hosted must eat as much of each course as you for the meal to be "finished". If you roll this again then they are compelled to eat as you eat.

9. If you leave anything of yours in someones home , you count as "invited" if you return to collect it. Servants will assume you are meant to be there, magic wards and guardians will ignore you etc.

10. Anyone listening to you for longer than a minute has their emotion shift to ones matching your chosen sin.
They are not compelled to act on it but they wouldn't realise you are the cause. If you roll this again you can cast a Suggestion as the spell on them once the minute is up. Each additional time you roll this they get -1 on the save

Gnome:
1. Anything poisoned by you tastes delicious. If you roll this again , the poison has a -1 to saves vs its effect.
2.Your fingers can stretch 2 feet. If you roll this again they can stretch another 2 feet.

3. If you choose , only one person can hear your whispers , and at any distance that you could be heard with a shout. If you roll this again you can be heard by an additional person.

4. Roll a random first level spell. If you cut off a finger bone you make that spell. If you roll this again roll up a random second level spell  to cast. A second level spell requires 2 finger bones however. If you roll a 3rd time as before but a 3rd level spell.

5. Alter self (as the spell) once per hour but only your face. If you roll this again you can use it an additionally time per hour

6. Whistle to cause Confusion (as the spell) once a day. You need to whistle for 2 rounds for the confusion to happen, and you need to save as well. Rolling this again means you get an additional use.

7. You can pass any smell on you onto someone else with a touch. If you roll this again you can also have the smells strength doubled. If you roll this again you can choose the target to be unable to smell it themselves.

8. Roll a  random disease, you inflict that on scratch or bite, they get a save though. Rolling this again
means you get another disease you can choose to inflict. Rolling this yet again means -1 to save vs the disease (both the original target and anyone they pass it on to)

9. You can craft an object with substandard or even completely unsuitable materials . Shoes from livers, a ladder from piss, a sword from a sheeps fleece. This ability doesn't give you any more crafting ability than you already have and uses the appropriate mass that it would with conventionally materials . In addition if the user of a crafted object falls in your disfavour the object immediately loses its ability to not be completely shit.

If you roll this again you can make do with half as much material OR in the half time it would normally take (pick one when rolled). If you roll this again your tools can also be made from unsuitable materials on the spot.

10. Nothing will eat or bite you willingly, and must succeed in a (will) save to make themselves do it. If you roll this again they get -1 to the saving throw.



picture sources
1.Asian Crested Ibis, Mitsuaki Iwago/Minden Pictures/FLPA

2.Karoo Ashevak, Canadian Inuit (1940-74), Shaman and Spirit Figure, ca. 1970-74.

3.David Lunde Sanchez

4.Image from page 13 of "Christian similitudes: being a series of emblematic engravings, with written explanations, miscellaneous observations, and religious reflections, designed to illustrate divine truth, in accordance with the cardinal principles of Christianity", via internet book archives. It's weird that the past had way less books and yet they were giving them extremely long and exact titles when you had only 5 to look through.

5. via https://extremelycursedimages.tumblr.com , where it's originally from I Utterly Do Not Want To Know. I made this whole post just to inflict it on more people because I hate it so much. Poss a video tape from the Ring situation hahah my bad

*Still not sure if in the original version you roll twice at level 1 or not , but let's say you do for this

**calling them race tables but using kind is just a little more off. Or a different kind of off. Usually these are d100 and weighted but I can't be assed and also aren't gonna put as much straight modifiers in so it kind of works out right? I mean you could just go here and pick ones you like to bulk up the tables


Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Using that class generator

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The Book of Peace, Edgar Maxence

Lo! I used that generator to generate the bones and now
to pour on the glistening idea meat:


Name: Deceptionist
Power source:Parasites/Weird Friends/ Pets/ Devices
Does: Healing and Blighting
Also: Noticing things

Deceptionists "adopt" weird  oversized insect ghosts, secreting the astral pheromones that manipulate their adopted bug children into tools. Mostly these "tools" are used to enhance or interfere with other beings biology.

To be able to see these WOIG the decptionist has astral perception and aura sight.













Name: Zephyr
Power Source: Nasty Bargains, Eldritch Patron
Does: Mayhem
 Also: Blast Radiuses , spread out damage, crowd control

The 5th wind is a wind that blows only ill. Hence this Wind was not assigned a compass direction. Lacking this conventional wind way of influencing and shaping the world, the Ill-Wind gives out its winds to the Zephyr; outcasts and fringe dwellers. These people lacked any other way of getting power, and so now have self-sewn bags of Trouble winds. These winds cause fumbles, bad luck, confusion, nausea, rage, inflammation, breakage, deafness, and the rarer winds given to the Zephyr most favoured by the Ill-Wind will desiccate, haemorrhage, and flay.  












Sophie Woodrow

Name: Ghoul

Power Source: Magic/Spirits/Totemic /Channeling Primal Force
Does: Fights, distance
Also: A lot of damage real fast

After the stars dies their essence spreads out into the black fine emptiness that holds the worlds. This emptiness echoes with the memories of the stars.
On moonless nights people respectively stay inside, as not to catch weird stray thoughts from alien worlds.
The night-fishers, condemned as "ghouls", disregard this taboo , and catch everything they can with their parabolic masks.
In order to protect their maligned ways the Ghouls have weaponized the "waste products" of their feeding, the scouring emptiness and starry apoptosis mechanisms.













Zdzislaw Beksinski

Name: Haptic

Power Source: Mutation or Physical superness
Does: Off-piste solutions
Also: Fixing , maintenance, repairs 


Haptics travel the seldom trod paths, both literally and analogically.
Like hemmed in organisms forced into weird ecology niches, Haptics find strange ways.

Not waiting for the slow pains of natural selection , they somehow reach into a space of possibility, flaring their bodies potential to be something Else.

This doesn't grant them raw power, more weird approaches and specialties.
Stamen that grow fruit from fear, capillaries that allow nutrient sharing, unfolding bones , smell ghosts, and ablative hides.

Secondary, their ethos of finding strange paths and niche survival means they are resourceful and painstaking with their material possessions


Thursday, 13 July 2017

Class Four

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF Sooo that backwards monster manual was kicked off by getting some prompts to do paragraph long posts.

The idea being all my post ideas were spiralling off into things that were too laborious to get typed out, and the very first idea I use takes 3-4 posts to do.


Anyway , let's try this again

Ian Reilly said:


A 4d10 chart of alternative classes for a basic four class game to replace fighter/thief/mu/cleric




Did you know Ian that (displacerklaus) did something like this? 
http://monstermanualsewnfrompants.blogspot.co.nz/2016/02/your-letters-to-displacer-klaus.html


Anyway, I also will do this and not use the word synergic 

 








4d10 chart.. so this could be a "4-40" type deal (no) or a 4 column d10 table (yes).

The columns could be based on "classic" roles.

Though the roles people assume as classic
(fighter->tank/meatshield, cleric->healer, thief->"dps", wizard->area control/damage(?) )
are a lot informed by mmorpg .

The thief's original role was extremely entangled with how the g.m ran the game, with how they use traps, surprise, creature awareness, other classes ability to sneak or discover things etc.

And the backstab ability somehow grew into the idea of the thief as weedy but opportunistic super stabber.

I've never really like this, and also think it's weird having ambush and dirty tricks fighting styles not be a fighter thing.

As any professional murderer/soldier/gladiator/bruiser is going to take full and frequent advantage of any combat advantage they can.

It's only the (arguably mythologized) "chivalric knight" or "honourable samurai" that these techniques are a poor fit for.

Though a "warrior caste" class that is build around the central idea of it coming from a culture that has either heavily ritualised/ limited/controlled warfare or the caste is more about embodied of the values of the culture than military effectiveness .


There's more to be expanded on the idea of roles, where to split class, if they need to work ..together , etc.
But I'm getting vague on it, so table time:


ANYWAY 

concept:
1. Deceptionist
2. Scab-miner
3. Haptic
4. Liminator 
5. Ghoul
6. Loon
7. Tar-jack
8. Leech-wife
9. Zephyr
10. Under-thing

power source:
1. Occult/Secret/Tainted knowledge
2. Mutation or Physical superness
3. Magic/Spirits/Totemic /Channeling Primal Force
4. Weird Hunger(s)
5. Extreme Skill/Talent/Techniques
6. Unhumanity/Otherness
7. Parasites/Weird Friends/ Pets/ Devices
8. Nasty Bargains, Eldritch Patron
9. Schemes/bullshit/savvy
10.Roll twice, combine.

situations generally best at:
1. Fights, close
2. Fights, distance
3. "Diplomacy" , making friends
4. Discovery 
5. Surviving
6. Extra-lateral movement
7. Healing and Blighting
8. Off-piste solutions
9. Mayhem
10. Crime


also handy for:
1. A lot of damage real fast
2. Structure destruction
3. Blast Radiuses , spread out damage, crowd control
4. Being widely adored
5. Creeping people out
6. Noticing things
7. Quartermastering, foraging, "food"
8. Unnoticeability 
9. Resource/Hazard manipulation
10. Fixing , maintenance, repairs 

Saturday, 8 July 2017

TOO MANY, IF ANY

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I made up a list of drug names once to take the piss out of someone and now you could have them in planescape chummer
  1. Pixie jizz: sparkly paste rubbed on gums, eyelids, genitals. Giddiness, lightheadedness euphoria , pleasant "tingles" . Made from boiled slugs that feed on solely pixie excrement. Prolonged use can cause glowing and semi-musical insects noise from application area,
  2.  Moxie jam:  Apples of eden, the golden apples, the peaches of immortality , Moxie Jam will not be containing them. Instead the fruit it's made of is from  hybrids , clandestine cultivars, horrible predecessor strains , neglected divine gardens.    Even then it's only the fruit that could not be sold as is ; the rotten, stolen, hideous ugly dangerous, cursed, and still pleading. Even the "jam" is a  kindness because it has the bare amount of liquid in it to keep the active ingredients concentrated without making unnecessary heavy, so "tar" is a better term.  It tastes like vinegar gone very off, with seeds in it. And often hair for some reason.  It gives overwhelming confidence and feelings of health and dangerous levels of optimism. Excessive use results in one's physical age varying depending on ones emotional state. Heavy long term use can actually kill  from aging brought on by a minor disappointment.
  3. Moon Milk: hopefully this isn't involved  . It is probably is though. Okay it definitely is. It's a depressant causing extraordinary hallucinations and lucid dreams. However there's a risk of the hallucinations becoming real, lingering delusions , being physically transported to what you are dreaming about or becoming imaginary yourself.  The effete opium addicts equivalent of urban free climbing. 
  4. Squirts: some horrible little sea tulip thing that releases a neurotoxin when threatened. If you rear them with a shitty diet the neurotoxin is a "fun" dissociative rather than a fatal one. Use is by keeping the gross little purple thing in your mouth and chewing on it to make it try and poison you. Heavy use guarantees immobility and loss of bladder control. There's a joke in the name there. At best you still look like you mostly survived a stroke though.
  5. God's assholes: really it's a jumped up little fig with some mild euphoric effects and not so minor synesthesia , it would of been all but forgotten if it didn't look like such a weird anus thing.  It's like a novelty party drug that people bring out sometimes and then everyone forgets about it entirely or moves on to something heavier.
  6. Holy rammers: people keep thinking they should take this in the butt. No-one knows who started this rumour but it's terrible, it just burns, tends to block things up and is way less effective. It's a dwarven stimulant , a plug of some chalky paste that's put far up the nose to steadily trickle down the back of the nasal cavity. It alleviates the need for sleep and gives a fiercely focused but passive concentration , like oral or written memorization. A life time of abusing this makes you basically unable to multitask at all.
  7.  Tartarian  cumquuats : these look like dried eyes from an animal that uses its eyes as a weaponized sex organ. Eating 2-3 of them is like being day drunk on a too-hot summer day, but lasting like 16 hours.  Booze is better than this, in basically every way other than duration, it only has a market niche because Sigil has so many tourists looking to do something that sounds dangerous but no-one wants to sell them anything that makes them harder to deal with than the average drunk.  It's not even from anything dangerous just a shitty plant.
  8. Vipples: this is a dangerously broad term  for anything that's tobacco plus something something. It's a halfling thing and every family has its secret vipples recipe. Generally it makes you barely able to get off your chair and you see things.  Generally. However it's not uncommon for  patchy blindness, loss of feeling in 1 or more limbs , or compulsive pika.
  9. Astral nails: It's likely that this was some form of military psychic defense but what it is now is black pins of something like hot ice than you have to physically drive into your own eyeball so it's equally possible it was actually a torture mechanism.  On astral nails you will find your thoughts tend to electrocute each other for dominance and generally one thought will dominate for continuous stretches, just the one thought over and over again . You are basically immune to confusion or manipulation caused by psychic attacks . But at the cost of actually structural damage to the skull and brain  (can modify any saving throw vs a mental attack so it's a success by taking damage equal to how much it was a failure by) . Only really used for recreational purposes if you hate thinking.
  10. Black-muggler:  like molasses with poorly crushed charcoal mixed in it , or unevenly heated tar. It's the honey made by an Mud Bee, which are flightless, eat and build out of mud rather than pollen and wax, found along the river styx when it nears the very edge of lawful planes and have cruel thorn like stingers.  Black-muggler is used by winding its thick goop on a spoon , stick or finger and then sucking on it for hours. Acting as a powerful soporific , the user becomes lost in their own distorted idealised memories. Long term use dyes the gums black, cause the teeth to stick out at weird angles and gradually rewrites the users own memory. 
  11. Sideways: it's a conceptual drug .  Someone is either understands it or they get it. If you understand it, it doesn't seem like anything that crazy or inconceivable really . If you get it (because someone who understands it patiently explains it to you in a whisper) then you really get it, seeing this whole new direction just there, all the time. The user just seems to be strangely amused and alternately terrified, and disappears and reappears whenever attention is not on them.  People who understand it are basically unaffected carriers , capable of making good money whispering it (the nature of the concept requires some words to be both heard and misheard at the same time ) to payers. It takes 5 minutes to explain it and can only be explained a number of times per week per Intelligence point.                        In game terms: If a character is exposed to sideways, you roll and conceal a d20. The player then guess a number from 1 till 20. If they are correct , they are an understander not a getter.            (  However some gangs now consider them their  property  or atleast some of their brain to be) If the character is instead getting it  anytime the characters location isn't explicitly somewhere , they can stay in an undefined state until it becomes relevant and why , then they choose where to be (that's still feasible that they could of got there) This "quantum state" lasts 1d6 hours. However even taking Sideways once causes an ongoing extradirectional risk : If that player forgets their character sheet to any game session, then that character is more or less lost forever.
  12. Ipple:  like a boiled sweet that periodically ejaculates in your mouth. When it's a sweet it's like a really strong coffee that you almost regret, and when it ejaculates it's like a having a mild but 2 minute long orgasism. It's a lot of ejaculate though, like I hope you weren't in the middle of saying something.  It's actually someone kind of semi-crystalline psychic jellyfish-polyp   that is actually ejaculating eggs or sperm in your mouth and psychically stimulating the pleasure centres. What is possibly a worry is that jellyfishes have rather complex life cycles and no-one is sure what is happening with all the sperm and eggs people are spitting out or washing down the gutter and it's possible the next life stage is going to be problem.
  13. The Whites: colours have been shown to effect mode and this one definately does . Taken by beaming a particular type of light via some complicated prisms (orginally from the Plane of Radiance bordering the Mineral Plane) directly into an eye, it basically causes a fit but in a nice way. Post fit mood is greatly enhanced and colours seem brighter for about 3 hours. Periodical blindness episodes on and off for about 10 hour afterwards. Sometimes peoples eyes catch fire from over use or partially crystalize. The crysatline eyes can be used to make more prisms! Hooray
  14. Pain: ground up suffering from the lower planes. Why would anyone take this? Well, it turns out other people's pain is never as bad as your own and it's cathartic to experience it. Okay it's fucked up, it's like huffing petrol but it's black ground glass and then agony spasms and fragmented false memories and you ain't doing shit for about 2 hours. A little bit is like pepper in food but for physical sensations though. It is literally made from grinding up souls in the worse machines the fiends can think of though but it's sort of ethical consumption in that it's sustainable 
  15. Loam riddlers: Like sea-sponge prion moving around your brain making impossible connections. Mostly temporarily. From Brain veins , as in the mineral vein.
  16. Far-go, You are very far  inside your self. Like you are an ant driving the meat titan. It's literally a fresh perspective
  17. Ripe melons, it's booze but the crazy booze everyone accuses tequila of being. Actually a crab.
  18. Slume, Heavy metal slime. you will glow and go rubbery and time dilutes 
  19.  ungus, this goes up the butt. Confidence power, possible organ falure and miniature gravity anomlys
  20. Thrips, illusionary insects living in your eyes make thing fun
  21. Pure mild, lawful netural good distilled into the ultimate anodyne 
  22. the shats, Like eating glass, screaming glass. Like being maniac and dangerously awake your whole life. From pandemonia but the sigil homebake is said to be nearly as good by discerning thrill-killers in the know. 
  23. Dimensional warts : You get given a spiral on a bit of paper and you stare at it until one starts burrowing into your head. For the next 3-4 weeks you have mood swings but most of the moods aren't ones that conventionally exist.
  24. theorys (maths-sick, mathsik) sometimes rogue modrons attempt to get let back in by writing a dissertation on how they were right. Frustratingly for them other modrons never read it and everyone else can just physically eat the material it was written on to get fucked up. Theorys makes unconnected things seem connected to you, like annoying stoner insights. However, you are kinda right some of them time . The d.m rolls a die when you take it and you can swap out a roll for it but you have to use it for next 2 significant rolls after this. As well explain how your characters insights make all this abstract mechanic dodoory work.
  25. Oh-Nos: little boiled lolly . When you finished sucking it , you are catatonic , hallucinating and it feels like forever .Who likes infinite k-holes? 
  26. Repentant uranium : a fine glowing powder, snort  everything feels really really really okay . Causes hair loss but not in a radioactive way. You can't gain or loss expiernce while one the effects of repentant uranium . Last about 2 hours per dose. Taking more than 6 does in a day period means you will vomit up an organ but not fatally. 
  27. Ick a slime mold collected from the plane of ooze. Make a cut , introduce it in , and it grows under the skin like new veins. Flattens out your emotions (immune to mechanics based on excessive emotion like fear but including morale type ones and bless). Lasts 2-3 days  and you cough up light periodically. . Heavy use causes weird vein formation.
  28. oh-god-nos, oh nos but more "lucid dreamy", but users describe it like being nigh-omnipotent and not at all omniscient and it goes very wrong 
  29. Um you see too much space from this inky eye drop. Like everything is extremely far apart, like you see still molecules and not the space they occupy. Made from boiled space.
  30. Unsound, you stick you head in this bell , and they ring it and suddenly you can't hear anything but it's this super silence is super interesting and meaningful. Lasts a bout 3 hours.
  31.  ghost pussy: it's the nectar sucked from a night blooming flower with an unnecessary lewd name (also see Ripe Melons ). Gives delightful body tingles and cold shivers. The same leering punishers who named this say it's like being fucked by a ghost but come on,  it's more like lite foreplay.
  32. bum, like booze for your body or your mind but never both. Tastes like if you could make booze from tar. 
  33.  poorman's ghost pussy actually harder to get and more expensive than ghost pussy. A lot closer to actual ghost sex. Might of been sourced by someone misunderstanding what ghost pussy was, and since it can result in possession of limbs ,  necromancy and necrophilia could be involved. Let's not ask and say we did ask and it was sustainable and ethical
  34. Glass secret, little vials dropped in the ear, words factualate , senses are  enhanced, any memories formed while on this become recallable only on another dose of this.
  35.  My-ladys-frills, a polypore , that causes giggle, intoxication and lip discolouration and inflammation of membranes (lips, eyes) post use
  36. Bury-my-wood-deep, sometimes sold as an viagra, more of an over talker, it's boiled  yggdrasil squirrel piss after they have eaten post mushroom. Looks a lot like phlegm but chewy. 
  37. batmites, chittering tick like things, but asymmetrical. Bite down on really hard and they crack like a tooth.  From looning ethereal manta rays. You hallucinate friends that seem to alter reality.
  38. Ratwine  regular rat wine is just made from rat piss. The real-deal ratwine  has mashed rats-livers in it , and the rats are bio accumulators and so it can be a bit of anything else.
  39. Baatorian Whippit: A gas kept in sharp little glass bulbs. Meant to be used to intensify torture and prevent death to massive shock, as it increases sensation while preventing excessive bleeding and heart irregularities.  Can be used to "stabilize" someone on negative hitpoints, e.g they won't die or lose more hitpoints, but boy will they feel it . Also used for brutal sex and if you huff enough it's like glue but worse.
  40. Regret: memory enhancer, makes one recall a memory very clearly . Has a reputation to make one maudlin but there's nothing particular depressive about it. A Spanish Moss that is smoked.
  41. OverThereTime: like a chrome hairball that causes eerie coincidences or atleast the ability to notice them.  Makes tedium interesting and tends to cause the user to stumble on interesting opportunities via reduced inhibitions,  rather unpredictable though. You boil up enough phase spider webs and you get this stuff. Smoked
  42. Bullswallow: it's not sperm, it's pre-cum and it builds muscle like crazy and gives mad-energy. Does what energy drinks claim to do. The bulls in question are found on Acheron. It's not an easy task , considering the sperm will cause Minotaur-pox.
  43. Busy Mister: a peppery snuff that makes one confident and peppy. However moderate to heavy use can cause to cause a condition described as "doing fuck-all really fast" It's made from soot scraped from the  chimneys of wealthy fiend residence of Sigil and someone should really check what they are burning.
  44. Fight-me-gum: a scrubby pugnacious  shrub-tree that grows on the upper layers of the abyss that looks like a barbed wire pube scarecrow tree is tapped for sap. The oddly opaque gray sap is then mixed with rough ground glass and then chewed like torture-gum. It makes you really fighty and drunk and indifferent to pain.
  45.  Ditto: Said to be made from doppelganger eggs, cum , or brains, which is ridiculous as they reproduce by ritual drowning mirrors on moonless night. Ditto is made from an algae found on sewer pipes, especially near the Clerks Ward, dried into a powder and smoked in a pipe. Smells like feet, but replicates the mood and mental state of the previous night. Would be more popular but the tenancy to cough up motile phlegm that keeps whispering your secrets. 
  46. Omega particle: Nets , like violently asymmetrical dream catchers, made of undead spider webs are used on the Negative Material edges of various quasi-elemental planes to catch these. It requires a lot of patience and a keen eye to notice the single spark that signify a particles catch. It's a pin-black spark inserted into the eye and it negates the need for sleep and food for a week but at the cost of 2 years of aging. 
  47. Breakage: If you get a small mammal and force it back and forth through portals until it it dies of shock and then cut out it's pineal gland you have Breakage. Being on Breakage is like being drunk , maniac, and panicky and clumsy. Like a bad adrenaline dump and real good E
  48. Vital dust: powder from mummys , no-ones sure which mummys or what gets done to make it not cause mummy rot. The sellers of it keep their secrets but have been know to buy or source more mummys. Basically causes an user to fall asleep standing rigid with their eyes open, dreaming but somehow hyper-aware of their surroundings. 
  49. Witch: dedicate mushrooms that grow on certain sleepers , look like shy but weaponized umbrella. Dissolve quickly in the mouth or hand into a potent purple-black ink. Unbalancing like "sealegs" , plus insight, sudden spurts of racing thoughts, and a "fun" paranoia. Excessive use will stain the pigment of the eyes as well mouths.
  50. Saint's plunge : a sugar cane like stalk that's boiled down to lewd pink looking molasses. Rubbed on gums or any blood vessel rich body part. Tastes like way too much rose-water. Makes one tingley and frighteningly certain about their decisions







Wednesday, 5 July 2017

THe Remaains of the Joke

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Here is the rest of them. WHAT? see here and here and here and here
It's looking at the monsters and making up a reverse of them and occasionally it's great.
It's so good it's nearly distracting Arnold from his dutch smiting.

THE ORIGIN STORY OF ARNOLD K
(he's both the merman and then hubris of the dutch)


Dwarf 
Grobby: A funny little guy that pops out from a hole in ground and offers to craft a single mundane object for modest price . The object is actually a cluster of eggs that hatch in 6 months into something like a rotary drill bit mole-rat. If confronted about this fact a Grobby is upfront about yes , that's going to happen , would you like a discount? 
After hatching these attempt to drill into back into the earth , spiralling through any intervening structures (though they get disoriented if up more than a story and can do a lot of damage before they work out where down is. The eventually adult form of these looks something like a massive starnose mole, with the very tip of its nose forming the "funny little guy"

Eagle, giant 
Wig vulture:
Why would anyone want massive wig with vultures living on top of it , constantly chewing on bones? Because one does not want to appear to be an oik

Ear seeker:
Sneeze ghost :
You know how when you sneeze , people try and cast spells on you , supposedly  for your own good?
That's because a small crap version of you made of snot can escape and they are trying to stop it escaping or possibly capture it. The point is you don't want a snot-you blabbing confused versions of your secrets to someone, so always check your hanky after sneezing for one, and if necessary grab that struggling mucus boy and force him back in



Eel 
-Mossyguy
It's a little cute pangolin with moss growing on it that has little naps. There's a lot of these to do that are animals and it's gonna be pangolins

Efreet 
-Snowball
it's a little snow guy that shows up to help you when your are lost in the snow. It's basically useless though but boy does it mean well

Elemental 
,well I did these?  I think they might of corresponded to the 5 stages of grief?  Oh and these okay one more Dismantal : elementals from stuff that doesn't exist.
Not even plausible stuff like glass, these are KnifeFoam (like pumice but polymorphous and sharp) , Bugparts (bugparts) ,  Grot (stains that possess everything) Pissance (Like Rotten Cloth and dog noses) moving on


Elephant : 
I'm remembering this shitty kids joke about why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly ? Well if they were small, white and smooth they would be an asprin . No , the opposite of an elephant is a Flea-Knight , it's a little flea dude the size of a raisin that has the strength and durability of a regular knight, but as it's concentrated down it can kinda jump through your head

Elf 
I feel like it's Shameful beast from the Ramanan-Sivaranjan-Awards-for-Excellence-in-Gaming winning book Fire on the Velvet Horizon now available in hardcover

Ettin 
Hecatoncheires


Eye of the deep 
Mouth of the sky
a jelly bag splitting open into a hooked mouth, the mouth opening and opening into a peeling back over itself to reveal the same grinning bag form. Hypnotic to watch. Sometimes planar wars dump strange machines and dying beasts out of the sky, and there's only so much time before Mouth of the sky come and eat it to nothing. Maybe a defense system of a plane, a clean up crew of another plane, or dominate scavenger roused only for these "whalefalls" 
Flightless bird 
Cloud lice
it's like a louse but cute (and the size of a dog) Clouds have them and sudden weather changes can strand them on land. They are intelligent and resourceful and will set about making some connivance or contraption to get them into the sky."You help is very much appreciated good sir, I just need 12 metres of cow tendon more , I can repair you once I'm home, you see I fell out of the cloud without my purse"


Frog, giant 
Pademelon :
look your players won't know what this is, just use one.

Fungi, violet, + some other fungi slimes etc
Crystal Grot:
Various types of crystals that grow on you like fungus, pulling emotions out of you to form themselves.


Gargoyle 
Freckle swarm. They live on you like fish swimmin aroun

Gar, giant 
Raggling, a rotten cloth cat. Adorable , but smelly. Bad at basically everything

Gas spore 
Spike snake
It looks like a deadly spike but it's a harmless snake holding itself straight. Except for its poisonous bite , that it's trying to save for bats.


Gelatinous cube 
Chainchomp
a bitey ball on a chain that you can use like a dog or a flail

Ghast 
Parasitic skin cream
it's good for you , except it wants you to eat babys

Ghost 
arsehole future baby
a floating psychic baby that claims it's descended from you and needs you to do stuff but not other stuff. Prob lying.


Ghoul 
Boneflower
Hermit crabs that use bones as shells and clinging together in flower shapes for inscrutable purposes 

Giant
lilliputians
you know, those guys

Gnoll
Flower people
They are flowers but walking around being pretty vague. You could reskin myconid even. That sounds pretty excited huh?


Gnome
Needley dee
A skinny little traveling tailor waspy person that can sew things together or shut to defend itself.

Goat, giant 
Spring loaded pocket goat

Goblin
talking hats



Golem 
people that have been shaped into furniture or tools and are still alive and feeling bad about it I imagine


Gorgon 
Oasis Giraffe of Kindness
A gentle giraffe cactus that creates oasises will it selps

Gray ooze 
Quartz Speckle
sucks out despair ! you become foolishless happy while all these crystals burst from your flesh

Green slime 
Ruby Jagger
sucks out peace! Red spiked fury man

Griffon 
2 legged walking horse


Groaning spirit (Banshee)
The Good Boy
The best dog that everyone is happy to see

Halfling 
Joyless Grey Man
A horrid little hair-eater, like a corpse made of lint with disappointing raisins for eyes.

Harpy
Canarywife
it's a happy little bird that shows up in your life and helps you get your shit together. Like personal trainer but an abusive magical bird 


Hell hound
Joy-pig
this is lucky pig


Herd animal 
Questing BEast
Legendary animals that there are just one of and sometimes are responsible for everything being bad and sometimes responsible for everything being good. Hearts often associated with cures.

Hippocampus
Puffer fish protective helmet


Hippogriff
A centipede made of guns

Hippopotamus
Skinless ghoul otter
  
Hobgoblin
Living Bubble



Homunculus 
Dreamegg
it's an egg that will hatch something you dreamed about, but you are never sure which aspect of your dream is gonna hatch

Horse 
Barrier Beast:
a giant bear that sleeps alot and blocks roads

Hydra 
Running Snake:
fast and powerful


Hyena/jackal
Stitcher bird builds nests on people



Imp  
Jiminy cricket , or a disappointment giant


Intellect devourer 
superfist! s u p e r f i s t

Invisible stalker  
Neon-eye-destroyer
something  so bright it can burn your eyes clean out of head baby


Irish deer  
Small palm tree man


Ixitxachitl
Mayan Hypno Spines/crystal skulls encouraging head planking



Jackalwere 
someone made of birds like a scarecrow but birds

Big Cat Jaguar:
Super Python 



Ki-rin /Lammasu
Mouse deer with weird granny face that smokes and visits places and every one has to be polite and she asks after everyone's family


Kobold 
Ceiling-Geist; A weird stain being that watches you



Lamia  
Someone with a mouth under their hair

Lamprey
Hair cleaning birds


Larva see demon/devil



Leech, giant 
A feather than sticks itself in you and you think everything you can do is because of the feather

Leprechaun
Agnes the ruiner. Like very old apple in hobnail boots and loves arson



Leucrotta
A peacock mink


Lich  what if Lichs and lions swapped appearances? 

Lizard 
Weird giraffe monkey


Lizard man
skinling wart people

Locathah 
Catfish carpenters


Lurker above 
Diversion, like a generic goblinish koboldish impish thing that shows up and draws attention to itself at the worst possible time


Lycanthrope 
Animal that remembers its past life occasuinally


Lynx giant
parrot dog


Mammoth/mastadon
micro mammoth

Manticore 
mother goose


Masher
sky jellyfish



Medusa  
feel like we kinda did these in velvet horizon, but a lizard made of hands that gives you super bad Pareidolia


Men 
rumour people
everyone almost knows them!


Merman 
people crudely remade to be able to live underwater. 


Mimic 
Cimim
it's a mimic but it always makes itself look like the most of out of place thing it can think of , like a wheel of cheese in ancient tomb or a rotting puppy in a libary


Mind flayer 

The opposite of a mind-flayer is basically every towering nuggety bastard from Fist of The North Star



Minotaur 
Brindle-Fly



Morkoth 
the reason there is so many redundant underwater monsters is most of them are so boring the original creators kept forgotting what had been made already and made something new

Feng-Shui Pangolin


Mule
A balloon

Mummy 
a baby in some kinda weird fucked up womb amber and do you wanna smash it or see what is being done to it?


Naga
See hydra or boa-boys out of Fire on The Velvet Horizon 


Neo-otyugh/ otyugh
Flower-brute
like a shambling mound but with flowers grow on it. Like a garden that can beat you into mulch.

Nightmare
Gorilla O' dreams
it's a Gorilla that can travel in peoples dreams there is so many entrys

Nixie 
Truth-coming-out-of-her-well-to-shame-mankind
but can be any well buddy. Put on the city events tables.

Nymph 
Sheer 
body horror monster that messes with what turns you on. Like it repulse you with it's messed up body but then later you think it's kinda hot and then later nothing else is attractive anymore

Octopus, giant
Tiny star squid

Ogre
Brittleman/Brittleman lanterner
Like tall bone lattice giants, that only defence is the glass shards that they break into when struck. Lonely pilgrims wandering the roads at night , searching for missing stars in the sky . The lanterns have magic lanterns and know prophecies but are loathe to tell people them


Otter, giant
A regular otter than lives in the sewer and occasionally disembowels people via their anus



Owl, giant
this thing


Owlbear
A skinny bear covered in fly wings


Pegasus 
Feet pigs
They have human feet


Peryton
Perching stag women


Piercer 
Balldestroyer , bouncing boulder

Pike, giant
pipe fish


Pixie  
Really loud frogs


Porcupine
Dog that can squeeze under things



Portuguese man-o-war, giant 
Tree horse


Pseudo-dragon 
Ape-wizard


Purple worm
Scribber-pede
It can draw with its legs and make its drawings come to life 



Quasit see imp

Rakshasa
A socrates



Ram, giant 
sheep that are actually just wool

Rat, giant (Sumatran) 
Mouse musician


Ray
barnacle


Remorhaz 
why did these do so much damage?
snow crab


Rhinoceros  
sumobeast


Roc 
bird eating elephant


Roper 
grease tree


Rot grub 
tomato sauce


Rust monster 
Shiner-Snail/cleaner slug:
it eats rust and slowly moves along rusty things cleaning them


Sahuagin   
Eyeless albion cave dolphin

Salamander 
gnome , creepy .Like inner earth aliens


Satyr 
A goat librarian

Scorpion, giant 
Pseudoscorpion, jewellery

Sea hag
Desert stone smith


Sea horse
but can fly


Sea lion   
fuck these things, shark horse

Shadow 
Light ghost, those phospense


Shambling mound 
Bone garden


Shark
Spam


Shedu see lammusu

Shrieker 
recording crystal water



Skeleton  
bile boy
like a jelly baby made of bile



Skunk, giant
Perfumer
a butterfly but magic and evil , i'm getting over this


Slug, giant 
salt-king


Snake, giant 
see walking snake

Spectre
Vector:
a meat shadow that makes you so health you freak out and start seeing through this mortal realm and burn people your eye lasers



Sphinx
Giraffe

Spider 
beaver


Sprite
see pixie

Squid, giant )  
see octopus

Stag see herd animal

Stirge   
blood blimp


Strangle weed 
symbotic flower


Su-monster   
Us-monster

Sylph 
see  Nymph 

Thought eater 
earworm, factchecker, rememoryer

Tick, giant
gas bag



Titan
village god


Titanothere 
the same but cute and small

Toad, giant  see frog
Trapper see lurker
Treantman: 
living streets


Triton the most redundanet monster entry is having 2 other good/neutral races other than mermaids in the book. underwater races are not something you will use a lot of, goodish vague-as races that don't do shit you won't need, and here's boring fish people and boring aquamen. Mermaids you can get murderious, or horrible or more or less fish like and its the best
the opposite of these is a Murderer


Troglodyte
Extrovert 

Troll
The crumbing sage


Turtle, giant 
miniture castle turtle



Umber hulk 
Azure-Flit


Unicorn
Black Phillip


Vampire
Aide



Wasp, giant
Brain bee


Water weird 
a dust storm that follows you round and makes statues of you


Weasel, giant 
wall badger


Whale
sky ribbon

Wight 
see spectre

Wind walker 
Dirt Bird


Wolf 
Dog

Wolverine 
Bumble bee


Wraith
see spectre

Wyvern 
Zilent



Xorn 
Gold Bug


Yeti 
Organ grinder and monkey, both the grinder and the organ are machines




Zombie
Sleeper
people of civilisations that don't exist that are sleeping forever unless you wake them, then they get all confused and sad and possibly try and take over the world



"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T LIVE BELOW SEA LEVEL YOU WOULDN'T NEED WOODEN SHOES HAAHAHAHA I'M ARNOLD , ALSO YOU LIVE IN WINDMILLS "